#write31days | October 14th

This morning I attended a memorial service for a 40 year old wife and mother to 3 children. She was married to a friend of mine from early days of living in Houston and the church I attended and served in singles ministry leadership with. During the service, the preacher spoke about how they met, and fell in love and married on that very same stage that he stood to preach a celebration of her life. One cut short by cancer, but won in eternity with Jesus.

As he talked about how they met and her husband telling her, when she was in midst of deciding where to live and what to do next after returning from working in Japan, that he wanted to pursue her and a relationship with her.

No games. 

No mixed messages. 

Two days later, she asked him again, "are you sure?". And he was. 

They went on their first date to a cafe in one of my favorite small towns and a year from that first date stood in that very church and committed their lives to each other.

With purpose. 

With intention. 

Today, he spoke of his wife during the service; the mother she was, the light she was in their home and the valiant fighter she was through 3 intense years of cancer.

I thought about all of the temporal pursuits of this world. 

The things that only give a moment of satisfaction. 

The moments that tear everything apart that was bound. 

 And, I so clearly felt the Lord tell me, it is worth it. 

To be loved by someone who pursues me with intention. 

To be loved by someone who does not send mixed messages. 

To be loved by someone who commits for a lifetime. 

To say no to the things that offer temporary satisfaction. 

It is worth it. 

To not give in to the games and mixed messages and temporary satisfaction.

To be S I N G L E until/if that one comes along. 

Tonight I attended a Lauren Daigle concert, a packed church of people. She sang a new song... 

You say I am loved, 

when I can't feel a thing. 

You say I am strong, 

when I feel weak. 

You say I am held, 

when I'm falling apart. 

When I don't belong, 

You say I am yours. 

And I believe. 

What you say of me, 

yes, I believe. 

As I looked around tonight there were men scattered all throughout the audience, young and older. I don't know their stories like the one I know from this morning, but I was reminded when I looked back at a wife standing beside her husband sitting and praying. 

It is worth it.

To be loved by God and if it is to be, a husband who loves Him even more than me. 

That love is written from pages of truth.

Not from pieces of paper offering love as a fortune. 

If you're just joining in from #write31days, I'm so glad you're here!

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#write31days | October 13th

How are you still single? 

What is wrong with guys? 

Nothing. 

Nothing is wrong with them. 

Nothing is wrong with me. 

Why in the world would they do that to you? 

What is wrong with them? 

Nothing. 

Nothing is wrong with them. 

Nothing is wrong with me. 

I have heard these questions over and over throughout my years, by people surprised to know I'm S I N G L E and never married or by people who knew someone I was dating and wasn't any longer. Truth is, our friends have our best interest at heart, so they will naturally come to our defense and clearly someone is in the wrong that doesn't ask us out, or breaks up with us, or ghosts us, or does something to us that isn't right.

But, really nothing is wrong. 

With them. 

Or with me. 

I should mention one such case where I often ask "what is wrong with people": when people out right lie about their status and lead you to believe they are single. This just happened again a few months ago to a friend and I when we were out, and met a couple of guys. One who struck up a conversation with her, they had similar interests and by the time we were leaving he was asking to take her to dinner. Seems harmless right? Until you hop on your Facebook and search the person and there they are with THEIR WIFE AND FAMILY in their profile picture. This is when I scream WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE. Whole different scenario, I've written about this before, click here to read.

While I may appear to someone as "most eligible" that doesn't mean I'm looking for someone to date at that particular time. Remember the saying "be kind, for everyone you know is fighting a battle"? That's true in being S I N G L E.  There have been times when I might appear "put together" on the outside, but my heart is really hurting, that could be from someone I liked not pursuing a relationship; from someone bailing out unexplainably; from agreeing this wasn't a good fit for both of us even though nothing really major wrong; and myriad of other things.

In these instances when someone has casually remarked "what is wrong with people" to me, there are seasons I have thought maybe there is something wrong with me; maybe I am undesirable, maybe I don't deserve a guy like him, maybe _______________________. And, that would be why they wouldn't choose me. Other times, when a break-up happens that is significant, tears are on the brim for a while and someone asking that question brings up a host of emotions.

There are a few other things I have been told as well...

There's someone better anyway. 

You don't want anyone like that. 

He wasn't worth your time. 

What a loser.  

*&^%$#@!@#$%^ that guy. 

Sometimes we say those things to others when the very weeks before we LOVED that person for our friend and were so happy for them. Unless they have cheated, then probably they aren't a loser and were worth our time and it just didn't work out. We naturally protect our friends, and again, that is normal; but when it comes to statements like these, they can also bring up feelings of inadequacy and/or insecurity of not being capable to choose well in who we date.

Realizing how these statements impact you doesn't happen when you're young and have only dated a few people. It happens over time, and when they are repeated to you over and over. Words matter. So be careful what you say. I hear about this oftentimes in parenting too, commonly coined "unsolicited advice" by Moms who get comments about how their kids behave, or the size of their baby bump, or the way they discipline. Heck someone even told me the other day as I got on the trail with my dog "sure looks like he is taking you for a walk" as if I couldn't control him.

I have learned through the years, after some likely not nice things were said about people I dated, that it is more important to me not to shred their character because our relationship didn't work out. There is value in being upfront and honest with someone that you don't see a future with and to communicate that, even if it is hard. And, dating is always practice for marriage where the hard conversations will happen often and you can't just walk away.

Think about the impact of your words to others, instead of tearing down the character of the person who "did them wrong", focus on building them back up. Chances are they probably feel a little defeated, still might feel like they would defend the one they were dating so it's especially hard to hear someone rip them apart, and might be feeling insecure and a host of other emotions. When the tables are turned, I don't want someone's friends ripping my character to shreds.

As I have gotten older I try to look back on dating relationships as good memories and things I learned about myself, and also try to encourage my friends to do the same, when it doesn't workout for what seems like the millionth time.  That doesn't mean I am not sad or disappointed, but eventually realizing there are good things that were a part of that time spent with someone.

Nothing is wrong with me. 

Nothing is wrong with them. 

It just didn't work out. 

And, I'm still S I N G L E. 

And that is ok. 

If you're just joining in from #write31days, I'm so glad you're here!

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#write31days | October 12th

Last night as I was on my way home from class (at 10pm) my Mom asked if I had written my post for the day yet, which was a no. I have a list of topics I thought about leading up to this month of writing, but I don't do calculated writing very well, and sometimes something happens during the day that I can't shake and must write about.  And, I typically write every day, not ahead unless I'm going to be out of town. So, that's meant some late nights these last couple of weeks.  I have one final paper due for my class, and  that is my goal tonight, so this is a re-post from a previously written article for a site I have contributed to, but I feel like it fits in this series. Also, it's not been posted here on my blog in entirety and I've added little to it as well.

If you’re like me, you have a couple of social media accounts and probably follow a few people you consider your “friends” even though you don’t know them in real life. There’s a few of those people I wish my path would cross with in real life for a coffee shop chat, but that’s another story. #Goals. While scrolling you probably have seen comments on posts of your favorite athletes, writers, actors, celebrities and such that include “#RelationshipGoals”.

We look at a snapshot in time, often perfectly posed, and consider that split second view a goal. But what if we could zoom out of the borders, see the rest of the story, would we change our opinion? That “perfect” view may no longer be our goal.

So many things are going on outside the border…

One just got news that is going to change everything.

Something big is going on within extended family.

The house isn’t really that clean.

The dinner wasn’t really picture perfect.

It was the first date night in months due to schedules, work, school, and commitments.

One let the other down.

Their individual life goals don’t necessarily line up as a couple.

Religion causes major fights.

Somebody puts the toilet paper roll on the “wrong way”.

The trip is a last chance at trying to “reconnect”.

The family doesn’t necessarily “like” the other person.

 They are just two people trying to make it in life.

Just like you.

Just like me.

Life in relationship is hard. Family relationships, friend relationships, dating relationships in my own life and I’ve seen hard in engagements and marriages too in others. If we are honest with ourselves, we all long for the picture perfect relationship. We end up in a race trying to keep up, spending time comparing ourselves to others, working towards what isn’t really significant, forgetting what is most important, hiding the truth for the sake of saving face and overall posing in a life that appears to others as “perfect.”

There is one relationship that is most important above all others and that is relationship with Jesus. Before any relationship with another, Jesus. When we prioritize our time spent in scripture, prayer, community with other believers and studying the Word the circumstances that happen outside the lines of a photo are okay. The ups and downs of life are secure in foundation of Jesus, not in a filtered snapshot photo. This is the heart of my story, that Jesus is enough when you are S I N G L E.

Life on social media is a balancing act, sharing life, protecting what’s sacred, not comparing against others in the newsfeed, and not spending excess time online when it results in feelings of inadequacy, insignificance or insecurity.  This applies to our “online friends” (the people we really don’t know) and our real life friends, both can impact how we view our own relationships. We are also setting an example for those coming up behind us, the ones who will never know life without Internet and social media. They won’t grow up with the family phone in the kitchen where everyone is a part of any conversation you have or the single TV in a house that doesn’t include reality/celebrity life television giving a skewed view of reality.

There are so many teachers and preachers I respect who teach on relationships. One of my favorite who is also a friend is Matt Chandler; Matt (& Lauren) won’t do marriage counseling for anyone who’s been married longer than he and his wife. They haven’t lived those years, and don’t have the experience, but instead work to find someone who has more years of experience to connect couples with. Our #RelationshipGoals should be the same. Look for those who are doing it well, who are ahead of you in years, whether that’s through dating, engagements, or marriage.

What can we learn from them?

How can we come outside the lines, risk vulnerability and ask for help from those ahead of us in relationship experience?

If you are dating someone, how are you individually and together as a couple pursuing Jesus?

If He is the main goal, the picture to others and the picture that is reality will align, even when life is messy outside the lines. Then your dating or marriage relationship will show Jesus and someone will seek you out, because #RelationshipGoals.

Originally posted www.startmarriageright.com

If you're just joining in from #write31days, I'm so glad you're here!

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#write31days | October 11th

In my MBA course we spent some time talking about ethics and integrity, ensuring that you are an ethical leader by being both a moral person and a moral manager.  Our Corporate Fellow who lectures alongside our Academic Professor gave a great analogy of applying ethics; when considering the radius around you of people, how do you react to those closest to you and those furthest out in your radius? In the case of business and ethics there should be no difference, your decisions and actions should be the same to one closest as they are to the one farthest in your radius.

This concept of circles and radius applies in so many aspects of our lives, including dating.  

As a S I N G L E person there are so many ways to meet people, sometimes a complete stranger that you cross paths with and sometimes a friend of a friend that you almost feel like you know because of your mutual acquaintance.

In either of those circumstances, what does the radius of their life look like? 

If you don't know them at all, there aren't as many expectations attached and you (or I) might be a little more forgiving of actions or things that we see when  they interact with various different groups depending on how close they are to them. Also, known as "red flags".

If you (or I) are introduced through a mutual friend or acquaintance to a potential date, there tends to be more expectations that come from knowing the person who set you up and what your relationship is like with that person. Their actions in various different circles and people groups cause us to pause a little quicker, perhaps consult with the mutual acquaintance and/or raise and wave the red flag with certainty and perhaps not proceed further.

(Side note: from having been set up several times, it's always interesting the things you find out in dating relationship that the person who set you up had no idea about!!)

Finally, if you (or I) are friends with someone who develops into dating relationship, we have typically seen them interact in various circles of people, know what their actions are across the radius of people groups and have a good sense of who they are in various scenarios. You're less likely to see glaring immediate red flags in this case, but if you see one, you know it's one you can't ignore.

(Side note: they always say you're looking for your best friend in a spouse, so developing a solid friendship that naturally becomes a dating relationship is a great foundation. Doesn't mean it's going to work, but you know more of what you're in for in starting out!)

Experts claim you can tell a lot about someone's character by how they treat a server at a restaurant (way far out on the radius of their circles), their family (families aren't perfect, but is there respect) and people who work for them (subordinates and their attitude toward them).

I've long said I never want to date someone who I have to defend for their actions.  Before you jump to a conclusion, I mean in the context of being rude, degrading or demeaning to someone. None of us are perfect and we all lose our cool occasionally at the airport counter; but for 99.9% of the time, how do they act from those closest to them to a stranger?

Is it consistent? 

If it's not, it's worth paying attention to. 

Don't ignore red flags on character traits. 

They will only be magnified the more serious you are in dating, 

and especially in marriage. 

The same applies for you and for me.
What is the radius of my life?
Is it consistent?

Will it make someone raise a red flag?

If you're just joining in from #write31days, I'm so glad you're here!

You can {click here} to read previous posts.

#write31days | October 10th

...a few thoughts a little (a lot) scattered.... 

Last night I burned an english muffin in the toaster that set my fire alarm off.  It's safe to say that my mind is all over the place these last couple of days. Wrapping up my first MBA class this week, praying about a couple of specific opportunities, knocking out to-do list on the weekend while still having time with my people, canvas to paint, volunteer responsibilities and today marks 10 years since my sweet bestie Amy met Jesus which seemed to take over my mind all weekend.

Ten years stings, it's significant and while I am filled with hope for the promise of eternity, there are still days my heart is sad. Sometimes when I hang out with her sister (also a bestie) and her family it pains my heart that her littles will never know their Aunt Amy. They do things that remind me so much of Amy every now and then, little gifts that she is not forgotten and that God remembers to show off and remind us He sees our hurts.

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for church I was thinking about God and how He IS in the  business of showing off, doing miracles and to continue to believe that with all of my heart.  From what sometimes seems tiny to us, just a minor detail, to what seems equivalent to the parting of the Red Sea. He does those things if we are watching.  Yesterday in church we sang lyrics to specific song I just wrote about, reminding me, again, that we are never alone. We don't sing that song every Sunday and there's a myriad of songs we could have sang, but in the midst of writing about being S I N G L E, to have those lyrics sung together with my church was sweet.

I was disappointed Friday night and sometimes when I think my Mom might be the only one reading my blog, several people asked me about my test over the course of the weekend.  The mention of my test was just one line in the midst of a blog post, but so kind for them to check in on me.  Thankfully, I got 10 hours of sleep Friday night and Saturday I felt fine about my test score. I know reading 2 books, 10+ articles, watching 6 weeks of lecture and 7 weeks of in class activity to recall for a test is not my strength. It never has been. Then I remembered that the tests I needed to pass that set me on a whole new course to work in education were so far out of my comfort zone and I passed them with flying colors, confirming I was right where I needed to be.  And, that God was in the details. I had prepared extensively, I wasn't blindly praying to pass, though it felt like a miracle to pass, especially English content test when reading comprehension is not my skill. Thankfully for everyone I didn't teach English! :)

Oftentimes I can let little moments go by that are well orchestrated, out of my control and a gift to my life and never recognize, nor give thanks for them. If it's something big, of course I am thankful and prayerful in recognizing God's sovereignty over my life. I went back and read about the parting of the Red Sea today, which is in the chapter of one of my very favorite verses I often repeat to myself:

The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still." 

Exodus 14:14 

I don't know what all is going on for you, maybe it seems insignificant after a good night of sleep, or maybe it seems like you need the Red Sea to part.

In both of those God is at work. 

Trust in Him to guide you and to give you exactly what you need, which might be a period of still and silent but doesn't mean He is not still working for you. To rest in Him is being prayerful in what pains and troubles you and that might be being S I N G L E, or a host of other things happening on any given day in your life and mine.

Be encouraged today, that God does do miracles. 

He will heal your broken heart. 

He will give you a new song. 

He will part the sea. 

He will open the door. 

He will shut the door, maybe even slam it. 

He will give you people to support you. 

He will sing over you. 

He will show up.

He WILL show off.

If we are watching.

Which means sometimes we need to be still. 

Or we miss it. 

If you're just joining in from #write31days, I'm so glad you're here!

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#write31days | October 9th

When I started thinking about topics to include in this month of writing church, of course, came to mind. Since I am actively involved in my church, and went to church where the largest "S I N G L E S" program is in Houston for 11 years, I get asked about meeting people at church pretty regularly.

And, yes, I do meet a lot of people at church. 

But, no, I haven't met the one at church. 

I've met a lot of friends. 

I've met a few guys I've hung out with. 

I've not actually dated someone I met from church. 

Doesn't mean I won't, but to date, I haven't. 

I've seen lots of others meet at church and go on to marry. 

I've met a lot of married friends who teach me lots about married life. 

So, what is the perception about church and meeting the one? 

I don't really know. 

I feel like the odds to meet someone at church are just as good as meeting someone anywhere else. The odds of meeting someone at church who has your same beliefs and intentions in their faith are probably higher than other places to meet people.  That said, it doesn't mean people, like me, who do lots in the community and are involved in various groups and activities won't meet someone in one of those activities who shares the same beliefs and lives their faith like you (or me). 

So, for the next 3 Sundays I will write some thoughts about being S I N G L E and actively involved in church.  I'm very thankful for the church where I am a member. That our leadership values and recognizes all members and there is no divide based on relationship status. Because of this intentional unity in our community I know and serve with others who are younger, older, single, married, divorced, re-married, no children, children and even grandchildren. All of which have contributed greatly to my life and I am very grateful for them.  

So, even if I'm still S I N G L E and attending church, I won't quit church. If you are S I N G L E and looking for a place to really connect with people, to use your gifts and talents and to meet an amazing community of people, visit churches and find the one that is for you. 

You might meet someone.  Or you might not. 

But, I can guarantee Jesus will meet you there. 

If you've read my posts on church before, yes, I've used this pic before, but it truly represents my church and is a good reminder for me as well. 

If you're just joining in from #write31days, I'm so glad you're here!

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#write31days | October 8th

"You're too picky." 

Oh, the times I have been told this.  And, maybe you have been told this too. Probably I've made a snarky remark back a few times, but most of the time I don't argue it. If someone thinks I'm "too picky" then they've formed an opinion and doesn't really matter what I say to defend my dating choices, I'm not going to change their mind.

So, call me picky. 

But, no one else will be the one who lives with any choice I make, except for me.

I really don't have a laundry list of "must haves".  There's really only two:

1. Must love Jesus. 
2. Would like a man who's about 6'2" or taller, because I am tall and like heels. 

So go ahead and focus on number 2, because that's easy to judge me on, but before you do, I've dated plenty under 6'2".  

But, I focus on the first one, and here's why... 

I only want to get married once. 

I want a leader as my husband, who's faith is priority over me. 

I have no interest in a commonly referred to "starter marriage". 

I want our family to be involved in church, not just attend to check it off the Easter and Christmas to-do list. 

Jobs, health and circumstances aren't guaranteed, if something changes, how will they cope? 

Life is hard, so without a deep covenant commitment to marriage, it's way too easy for someone to walk away. 

Thankfully, I am blessed with parents who celebrated 45 years of marriage this year and who have modeled their covenant commitment to me. I am also blessed with friends who range in age and years married that model covenant commitment. All of these have been or are still together through some very dark and  trying times and through life's greatest joys. 

So, I'm ok with "picky". 

I really think it's easier for someone to label me picky than it is to really take the time and understand why I make or have made the choices I do. In case you missed my previous post, dating is also not just about a free meal.  

And, I know, even if they love Jesus, we are humans and flawed.

None of it is guaranteed. 

But, at least we have a better shot. 

So if you're "picky" don't let someone else's opinion of you cause you to change what you're looking for to make them feel better about their own choices or the fact that you're S I N G L E. If you're prayerfully considering your personal must haves then you should be confident in what you're looking for. 

After all, you're the one who lives with your choices.  

Not them. 

If you're just joining in from #write31days, I'm so glad you're here!

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