Papa ~ A Legacy

My Mom and I sat at the kitchen table Wednesday morning having coffee, talking about the decline of my Papa and his eminent death when my Mom mentioned to me if there was anything I would want to share at his funeral, or write.  It brought a lump to my throat just thinking about it, much less putting pen to paper or voice to words.  Just a couple of hours later, shortly after 11 am my Aunt called with the news that Papa was gone, passing from this life to eternity with Jesus, reuniting with my Grandma just over 5 years since her passing.

I have thought about a couple of the lessons my Papa taught through his life, whether he knew he was teaching them or not ...

1. Life is better when you're laughing
   Papa was onery!  He always had a twinkle in his blue eyes and he loved a good laugh, at your expense or his.  I can remember him telling me stories of friends and the shennanigans they would get into as young boys, young men and grown men, each time recounting the story through fits of laughter. I saw him play jokes on all members of our family, often times "goosing" you or teasing.  I didn't always appreciate his humor as a young girl, but as I grew up, I knew not taking yourself too seriously and being able to laugh was one of life's greatest gifts, even at your own expense!  
2. Family was priority
   Papa was proud of his family.  He was proud of my Grandma.  He was proud of his children.  He was proud of his grandchildren.  He was proud of his great-grandchildren.  He told us that he was.  He cared about the details of our lives.  I never visited or talked to him that he didn't take time to ask me about my job, my house, my friends and my dog.   I have great memories of  time at the lake, summer get-aways at Grandma and Papas, nights in the motorhome, sitting on the porch, visits at the 4G, Grandma and Papa sitting on the sidelines of numerous events and countless meals around the table gathered as a family.  No matter what, you take time for your family and time with them is priceless. 
3. It's never too late to learn something new
   Papa left High School and moved to Houston learning how to be a welder and working in the Ship Channel before joining the Navy and eventually a long career in pipelining.  Having never earned a High School Diploma, he completed his studies by mail and earned his GED at 54 years old.  Papa was never much for the kitchen, but at 81 he conquered the kitchen after my Grandma died, learning how to cook everything from scrambled eggs to steak.  Most recently as I walked alongside Papa in the nursing home, I watched his determination to wheel himself down the hallway.  Still showing me, no matter the task, you can accomplish something new and you should never gave up. 

These are just a few things that immediately come to mind.  One of the most cherished memories I will have of Papa is something he recently told my Mom about me, perhaps one of the greatest compliments that I have ever received.  How he wished for me to find a husband, that he thought I would provide a warm home and be such a great wife and mother.  He'll never know the impact that statement will have on me.  But, I can guarantee he leaves a legacy with big shoes to fill for someone to fit the role of husband to me.

Thankfully Papa was healthy, having lived on his own since the passing of my Grandma and was only ill for a couple of months before his death.  Ultimately, as I think back on his life and as the end of his life approached he was content.  He mentioned on several occasions he had a good life, he had a happy marriage, home and family and ultimately lived a very rich life.  Papa loved well, led well and lived well.  Perhaps that is the greatest lesson, to look back over life and feel content with yourself, your family and your place in the world.  I'm thankful to be a part of his legacy and pray at the end of my days I will find myself at peace and content with the life I have lived.

{originally posted 2012 on The Black and White Truth}

Thankful,

Boxes

With a lock in my hand and one last glimpse inside, I closed the door, turned the key and locked up most everything I own in a 12' x 12' box praying it would all be safe inside until I returned to retrieve it.   The boxes of my life have been in what feels like mass chaos for the month of April, including work, home, family and relationships.

An abrupt end to my work box started the shake up of life in April.  The world we live in is harsh economically and the small business makes decisions that one will never understand.  Despite this, I have updated my resume, started networking and submitting applications all within 24 hours of a lay-off.  This too shall pass, I am healthy, have family who supports me and opportunity to do anything I want ahead of me.  I am blessed.

As I looked around my apartment and took inventory of boxes and crates that I had packed containing virtually all of my possessions, I thought about the books  and studies having taught me and molded me to where I am today.  The dishes I have shared with friends and family over meals and parties.  The frames with smiling faces of my friends and family whom I cherish.  The mementos and gifts around my home each with meaning and significance.  On and on.  The box of home is packed away for now.

While I have been out of work, I have been able to travel with my Mom to see my Papa, who's also recently had his boxes shaken up.  From complete independence at 86 years old to complete dependence in less than a month's time.  Due to health decline, he left his home to the hospital and now lives in a room in a nursing home, dealing with physical, mental and emotional change in life, everything he knew turned upside down.

In January I met a guy, one you instantly start a conversation with that times flies by before you realize how long you've been chatting and wondering how chance could introduce two people.  One who I like, one who had similar values to me, one who was a friend - someone I truly enjoy spending time with, one who I wondered where this would take us.  A box that has also been turned upside down.

This is life, when it seems everything is going along with all boxes in order and feeling content, everything can be ripped out from under you, young or old.  Despite feeling like I'm living out of a box, I know the one box that is most important to me will stand the test of everything else, my faith.  There are times we put things of life in a box, seal them up and stow them away.  More often though, the things of life don't fit in a box, the top won't close neatly and we can't put them away.  Life doesn't fit in a box.  I know despite feeling like my life is in 12' x 12' storage, life is lived outside of the box.  Only when I put my faith in the One who sees April as no surprise can I continue to pursue making sense of my boxes, how and where they will be unpacked and settled next.

Over You

As the calendar turns to March, my heart always feels a little heavier and slightly anxious.  I often think with years passing that feeling would ease up a bit.  Though, year after year, it still comes and goes with the same anxiety.  This year as March 22nd approached, I really questioned within myself why 16 years later, so many emotions still surface as if it was the year it happened.  The year I first faced death and really questioned my faith.  March 22nd, they day my best friend died.

I think I've come to realize a few things about that day ...

• I'll never get over it.  It is part of who makes me who I am today.
• The anniversary takes me back to a time when I really had to choose to believe heaven was real and hope was in fact eternal. 
• Because of losing a best friend, I care deeply for and about my circle of friends and am often disappointed when people don't reciprocate that same level of commitment to friendships.
• I still can't listen to the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks.  It came on in the car on the way to her house and hearing that song immediately takes me back to sitting in the backseat wondering how this could have happened and how in the world life goes on. 
• I know that time doesn't heal all wounds, time allows you to process and gets you back on your feet, but time doesn't heal. 
• As I sat in a funeral of her cousin a few years later, Isaiah 40:31 really came to life ... "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles, run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."  I don't know how we made it through those days which turned to weeks, which turned to months and eventually into years.  I know with certainty we were carried until we were able to put one foot in front of the other and walk forward and hope is the only thing that renewed my strength. 
• I am sympathetic and empathetic to how others process, grieve and deal with loss in life - be it death or any type of loss, no one can tell you what is right, how long it takes or how you go forward.  Only faith in Jesus can.
• I know my faith can withstand any trial, painful as it is, I know I can do it.  In fact, 10 years later, I endured the same trial again and am reminded every October 10th of how far I've come.  
• I know when the 17th anniversary comes around March 22, 2013 I will again be reminded who I am and where my strength comes from. 

I guess in reality, I really am glad I'll never get over you.  That day sealed my faith and really taught me who I am.

{Originally Posted here} 

Blessings,

Wait

Know those people in life who everything seems to happen for them as they wish in perfect timing?  Me too.  I'm not one of those people.  It is somewhat of a joke amongst my friends that everything in life  for me includes a "wait".  I don't mean wait in theory, I mean a literal response that includes the word "wait" either spoken or written.

In 2009 while unemployed, I can't count the number of times I heard "wait".  Not only related to a job, but to seemingly every circumstance in my life there is a wait.  So, what is it about waiting that can make me crazy, unsettled, question, lose confidence and believe something will never work out in my favor?

I've recently been reminded about waiting as I have sat hours alongside family in the hospital watching Brian as he laid in critical condition, came out of unconsciousness and began to heal.  Brian is the little brother of my growing up best friend Wendy.   Brian's not so little anymore as he's now 30 and stands over 6' tall.  He was just 15 when Wendy was killed in a car accident and their family is 2nd family to me, still 15 years later.  When I got the call while away on a Birthday-Weekend-Get-Away with my besties, I didn't know what circumstance would await upon my arrival at the hospital.

It seemed every day we were told to wait ... wait for a test, wait for a Dr, wait for a x-ray, wait for results, wait for body to heal ... all while sitting in the waiting room.  Oxymoron!?  When visiting a patient in ICU the visitor has to "scrub in" each visit, washing hands, donning a gown and gloves and "scrub out" upon exit, only to repeat anytime you entered the area.  We sought answers from Doctors and prayed and waited.  Brian was miraculously spared severe injury, despite multiple broken bones, major surgery and unknown recovery time.  While we waited, I prayed that God would heal him, that his spirits would be lifted and that he would know purpose for his life.  I am still praying those things, 6 weeks later tonight that I prayed on that first night.  He still has a long wait to recovery.

One thing we started while in the hospital was to journal the day, what we had been told by Drs, what tests were going on, what questions we had and ultimately finishing each day with "Good News".  It is amazing to take time in the uncertainty to recall the blessings.  Some days the good news was "no fever today"; other days it was "no change today"; for sometimes no progress is progress in itself.  Until you take time to reflect, you might miss status-quo as being good news.

What I have learned and am learning to this day as I am still sitting in the waiting room of a few areas of my life is that it matters most what you do with the right now.  Even while I'm waiting, I have a purpose, I have things to get done and I have more things than I can count to be thankful for.   In effect, I have to get up, scrub in and scrub out each day.  I don't always know how it's going to work out.  Sometimes it will work out better than I could have imagined - it did recently for me.  Sometimes it seems there is no possible way for it to work out, like all the cards are against you - but it still does work out.  Sometimes it doesn't work out and there is lesson to be learned.  Despite the wait, I can't let doubt steal my joy.  When I begin to doubt or lose my confidence to mere circumstance, mostly out of my control I remember:  "The one true God gives me strength; He removes the obstacles in my way." (Psalm 18:32 NET)  Thankfully, I am not in control and the more I submit to ultimate authority of Jesus, the less I worry in the wait.  The obstacles may or may not be removed, and maybe they were there for a purpose, perhaps to redirect or to stall.

I do know that despite the wait, I always have much to be thankful for.  As I sit here tonight, I am thankful in this day alone ...

• for a healthy body that I pushed on a morning jog
• for a church that taught a word that I will soak on this week, and weeks to come
• for Sunday lunch with my besties
• for a Sunday nap
• for a good book to discuss while walking with one of my besties
• for my family and a lengthy phone visit with my Mom
• for a home that I enjoy and kitchen to make supper
• for a job that I don't dread going to in the morning
• for plans this week that I am looking forward to

and the list could go on ...

So, even when it seems nothing is working out, and the wait is eternal, scrub in and focus on the day ahead, close out the day with recognizing the good news, rest and be ready to scrub in again for the next day.  For one day the wait will be over.  Most likely though, there will be something else to wait on, so remember to use time wisely and seek out purpose in the wait.

{originally posted 2011on The Black and White Truth}

Waiting,
Angie

Letting Go

Letting Go

Tonight's to-do list: 
- Trash Out
- Laundry
- Cook supper
- Workout
- Mail stack
- Balance checkbook
- Blog

I often have topics that I want to capture to remember or share on my blog and without putting it on my to-do list, it seems that weeks get away before I'm writing again!

I taught in my Bible study class a couple of weeks ago from Jeremiah 2 - 6 which at first reading seemed to be a lecture similar to something you might have heard as a teenager reiterating the same things over and over again.  Why won't you change, give up what goes against what I have taught and promised you?  However, there is a pattern in Scripture where before there is a "lecture" there is always a request - "return to me" or "come to me".  No matter what we have done/are currently engaged in we are never too far away from God for him to not request and desire for us to return to him. 

In the particular verses I was teaching the Northern and Southern Kingdoms were engaged in idolatry and not willing to give up their idols, even though they had been consistently promised a better life if they were obedient.  Something I would liken to holding on to what you know, strictly based on fear of the unknown, no matter what the consequence might be in the interim.  Sometimes it might be fear of the past or believing by holding on to whatever it is now will change the outcome. 

I have always had an appreciation for children and the lessons in faith  that come from them.  Recently I was at my parents with my nephew who was not quite four.  He had been out to ride horses with Papa and was riding one of the oldest horses in the barn, Paint.  He got to the top of the pond and Paint stumbled and caught him off guard, and he slid off the side.  He wasn't hurt, more stunned and understandably fearful to get back on.  When he got back to the front of the pasture, I got him from my Dad and he was recounting the story to me.  I told him about when I was thrown from a horse, that his Daddy had been thrown from a horse, that Papa had been thrown - heck, even his Great Grandma had been thrown, though he never knew her.  I told him about always having to pay attention to the horse when you're riding, even when Papa is leading you, you have to be paying attention and holding on.  All that happened that day was a simple stumble, which caught him off guard.  He is really into Rodeo and Cowboys right now, so quickly could relate his story and told it with great zeal a little later.  Ultimately we asked him to get back on Paint and ride him into the barn, I would walk beside him and he would get off when we got to the barn.  He was hesitant at first, but knowing the lesson that if you fall off, you have to get back on and ride, we knew it was important for him to ride again immediately.  He agreed and rode into the barn just like a Cowboy. 

As I was recounting the story of when I got thrown to him it all came back to me just like it was a few minutes before he fell off.  I was riding my horse Pal, we were at the Ranch where our horses were boarded and my whole family was out for a ride a decent distance from the barn.  Pal never liked water and would frequently "hop" over water when he saw it.  This instance he didn't see green/marshy water that looked like grass, and I was relaxed enjoying our Saturday ride.  Pal jumped as soon as his foot hit that water and I went right off the side of him landing hard on the ground.  I was certain I had broken my arm and was unable to ride back.  I didn't.  And, after much convincing and the patience of my Dad, I got back on and rode back to the barn. 

A couple of weeks later we were back at my parents and my nephew was out to ride again, this time on Sugar.  All of the dogs were trailing us, or really my Dad because they are his shadow, and Sugar became annoyed with them.  Just like we talked about my nephew was holding on and paying attention, but I was at his side, should he need me.  Sugar had enough of the dogs and began to turn in circles and I immediately reached for my nephew to get him off.  He was holding on so tight that even with my arms around him and telling him to "let go" he wasn't letting go.  He IS a cowboy.  He did finally let go and I held him for a few minutes while Papa worked Sugar in the round pen to iron out her crankiness. 

I began to think about how often in life we hold onto circumstance, things or people out of fear and the unknown.  When really, God has given us the direction needed to overcome anything in His ultimate love no matter what happens in the temporal of this world.  He just asks that we surrender into his arms, and believe without a doubt that He will catch us.  Though how we will be caught isn't always known, the promise of His love is never going to fail.  Sometimes choices and circumstance have consequence, but that doesn't mean we can't get back up and ride. 

A couple of my favorite verses so perfectly display this love ... "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is esay, and my burden light."  Matthew 11:28-30

Isn't that usually where we are, so exhausted by our own intiatives and wills, that we just want to surrender, but are afraid to give in which might seem like giving up.  It is my prayer that when I am asked to let go  or disciplined by my Heavenly Father I would be confident in his love for me that I would let go and trust that he will catch me, even in times that it seems I am doing everything right and shouldn't have to let go.  My hope for you is that you will fall confidently into the loving embrace of a Father who treasures you and knows the absolute best for you even when you can't fathom how He could catch you or change what you're holding onto.  I know I will always be able to get up and get back on and ride because of forgiveness, grace and ultimate unfailing love.

Blessings,
Angie

- Blog

Originally posted: http://the-black-and-white-truth.blogspot.com/2011/06/letting-go.html

Thankful, SO Thankful

All in all, I am thankful.

Thankful for my relationship with Christ. For unconditional love, for acceptance, for peace, for provision, for protection, and for HOPE. The things of this world nor the status of a job will never satisfy me like the love of Christ.

Thankful for the Word. So many verses have helped me get through these days ... Is 33:6 - Ps 90:14 - Matt 6:34 - Ps 16:5-6 - Ps 73:25-26 - Luke 1:45 - 2 Thes 3:5 -1 Peter 3:15 - Zep 3:17 - Micha 6:8 - Ps 18:1 - Heb 12:11 - Josh 1:8 - Rom 12:12 - Heb 4:16 - Lam 3:22-24 - Ps 34:4-5 - Ps 1:3 - 2 Cor 4:17-18 - Luke 2:10-11. All verses that I am working on memorizing.

Thankful for my parents. Who have loved me, prayed for me, given to me, provided for me, encouraged me, comforted me, been frustrated alongside me, and celebrated with me - through this and every season of my life. Through this particular season I was reminded of when my Dad was laid off while I was in College and how I watched my parents gracefully and faithfully endure that circumstance. I saw their faith in action and also learned how important it is to have Christ as the center of your marriage. They are role models to me and I am blessed with them!

Thankful for my friends. Who have loved me, prayed for me, checked in on me, given to me, encouraged me, been frustrated alongside me, and celebrated with me. The hours I have spent during this year over breakfast and lunch tables, going on walks, out on a boat fishing, taking weekend road trips, laying out by the pool, hanging out with stay-at-home Moms and their babies, going to church, watching sports, going dancing and so many more things are memories that will last a lifetime and time spent that was a gift to me!

Thankful for my church. The body of Christ in action, over and over pouring out themselves to me and for my life.

Thankful for my health. Throughout this year I have been reminded over and over how precious my health is and I thanked God for it. There would be days that I questioned if something catastropic was coming to my own life because nothing seemed to be working out and what if something bad was coming. Thankfully that fear didn't overcome me and I was healthy because most of the year I didn't have insurance. Throughout this year I have spent countless hours in a hospital, talking with, and praying for friends dealing with catastrophic health circumstances. Lives that have been turned upside down due to death, cancer diagnosis, or other sickness. Being without a job seemed so trivial compared to what others were dealing with.

Thankful for my nephew and nieces. "Tuesdays with Tole" - while Casey was pregnant with the twins I spent most Tuesdays with Cole (who refers to himself as Tole, c's are t's at 2 years old). We went to the park, the zoo, Kemah, to run errands, on picnics, and played toys for hours on end. When Casey went to the hospital to have the baby girls we went to see Mama and Dada at the Dr and to love on those baby sisters. Gracie Ann and Lily Kate arrived June 22nd, about 6 weeks early and stayed several weeks in the NICU. I was able to go by and visit them often, talk to them, hold them, feed them, and love on them. Even further I was able to spend the night with them when they were home for several weeks to give Casey a night or two of sleep in a week. The firsts of what I hope will be many slumber parties! Thank you to my Brother and Sister-in-Law for sharing your family with me! There is nothing like the innocence of the child to remind you of what really matters in life.

Thankful for work. After getting up on Monday mornings for weeks and months on end to start over on the work search, I am thankful to get up on Monday and have a place to go to work. So many friends have been in this same situation and many still are. I began to really be angered by the number of people who have a Facebook Monday morning update of "I hate Mondays". I pray that I will be sensitive that there is always someone wishing they had work to go to.

There are so many more things, this could go on and on.

For the first time in my life I feel like I have a "5 Year Plan" -- which I laugh at just thinking about, we all know what happens when we make a "plan". He changes it. So, I term that loosely and am fully confident that it will change and I will be more of who I have been called to be and hopefully reflect more of who's I am as every week, month, and year pass.

"Thank you" doesn't seem adequate, but if you have been part of this journey - I am truly humbled by your care and compassionate spirit and am thankful that you have walked these days with me and confident that you will continue to do so. May each of your lives be richly blessed because of how you have blessed mine.

{originally posted 2009 on The Black and White Truth}

Love,
Angie

Divine 09

Divine 09

A few years ago a dear friend and I resolved to have an annual theme instead of New Year's resolutions. So, far, they have worked pretty well ...

• No More In '04
• Comin' Alive in '05
• Good Picks in '06
• Savin' '07
• A Great '08

And, this year ... "Divine 09"
I have to give credit to a long time friend over a quick Facebook Chat for "Divine" as I was working on my annual theme and looking for words that rhymed with "'09". Thanks #71!

What does "Divine" mean? According to the dictionary ...
-- Of or pertaining to God
-- Informal. extremely good; unusually lovely
-- of superhuman or surpassing excellence

So, what does Divine '09 mean to me?

1. It will be a year of and pertaining to God.
   There are a few things that will encourage me this year to make it a year pertaining to God: Continued involvement in my church and Bible Study class which I teach. A scripture memory challenge from a favorite Bible Teacher. Time spent in the Word. People who encourage and mentor me to be more like Christ.
2. I will fill my life with things that are extremely good and/or lovely.
   Jesus ~ My family ~ My friends ~ My puppy ~ Sonic drinks ~ The Outdoors ~ Exercise ~ The 3-Day for Breast Cancer Research ~ Volunteering ~ Eating Cupcakes ~ Rodeo Houston ~ Reading ~ Traveling ~ Live Music ~ Laughing out Loud ~ Taking pictures ~ Playing my Guitar ~ Drinking coffee ~ and many more ...
3. I believe at the end of 2009 I will look back on a year of surpassing excellence - Divine all the way around!

As I set this theme I remember thinking -- this is risky; to claim and pray for a Divine '09 ... you never know what you will get and/or the bumps in the road that will come. I do know I have eternal HOPE and that no matter what comes; I have stability, security, wisdom, and the love of Jesus to sustain me. Funny how divine He is ... this is/was my first memory verse:

Is 33:6 ~ He is your constant source of stability, He abundantly provides safety and great wisdom. He gives all this to those who fear him. (NET)

Bump in the Road # 1 ... Jan 8th - Layoff.
Though this is not ideal; a layoff is not the end all. I am healthy and able to work. I have a great network who have humbled me with their generosity of time, referrals, and prayer for my next job to come. Above all, my identity is in Christ; He is my stability. My identity is not in my job, not in the US Economy, not in the new President's promises for change, not in the amount of money in my bank account, not in the way I look and not in what the world says I should be or do. What freedom!

May your '09 be Divine,
Angie

{originally posted on The Black and White Truth}