#write31days | October 13th

How are you still single? 

What is wrong with guys? 

Nothing. 

Nothing is wrong with them. 

Nothing is wrong with me. 

Why in the world would they do that to you? 

What is wrong with them? 

Nothing. 

Nothing is wrong with them. 

Nothing is wrong with me. 

I have heard these questions over and over throughout my years, by people surprised to know I'm S I N G L E and never married or by people who knew someone I was dating and wasn't any longer. Truth is, our friends have our best interest at heart, so they will naturally come to our defense and clearly someone is in the wrong that doesn't ask us out, or breaks up with us, or ghosts us, or does something to us that isn't right.

But, really nothing is wrong. 

With them. 

Or with me. 

I should mention one such case where I often ask "what is wrong with people": when people out right lie about their status and lead you to believe they are single. This just happened again a few months ago to a friend and I when we were out, and met a couple of guys. One who struck up a conversation with her, they had similar interests and by the time we were leaving he was asking to take her to dinner. Seems harmless right? Until you hop on your Facebook and search the person and there they are with THEIR WIFE AND FAMILY in their profile picture. This is when I scream WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE. Whole different scenario, I've written about this before, click here to read.

While I may appear to someone as "most eligible" that doesn't mean I'm looking for someone to date at that particular time. Remember the saying "be kind, for everyone you know is fighting a battle"? That's true in being S I N G L E.  There have been times when I might appear "put together" on the outside, but my heart is really hurting, that could be from someone I liked not pursuing a relationship; from someone bailing out unexplainably; from agreeing this wasn't a good fit for both of us even though nothing really major wrong; and myriad of other things.

In these instances when someone has casually remarked "what is wrong with people" to me, there are seasons I have thought maybe there is something wrong with me; maybe I am undesirable, maybe I don't deserve a guy like him, maybe _______________________. And, that would be why they wouldn't choose me. Other times, when a break-up happens that is significant, tears are on the brim for a while and someone asking that question brings up a host of emotions.

There are a few other things I have been told as well...

There's someone better anyway. 

You don't want anyone like that. 

He wasn't worth your time. 

What a loser.  

*&^%$#@!@#$%^ that guy. 

Sometimes we say those things to others when the very weeks before we LOVED that person for our friend and were so happy for them. Unless they have cheated, then probably they aren't a loser and were worth our time and it just didn't work out. We naturally protect our friends, and again, that is normal; but when it comes to statements like these, they can also bring up feelings of inadequacy and/or insecurity of not being capable to choose well in who we date.

Realizing how these statements impact you doesn't happen when you're young and have only dated a few people. It happens over time, and when they are repeated to you over and over. Words matter. So be careful what you say. I hear about this oftentimes in parenting too, commonly coined "unsolicited advice" by Moms who get comments about how their kids behave, or the size of their baby bump, or the way they discipline. Heck someone even told me the other day as I got on the trail with my dog "sure looks like he is taking you for a walk" as if I couldn't control him.

I have learned through the years, after some likely not nice things were said about people I dated, that it is more important to me not to shred their character because our relationship didn't work out. There is value in being upfront and honest with someone that you don't see a future with and to communicate that, even if it is hard. And, dating is always practice for marriage where the hard conversations will happen often and you can't just walk away.

Think about the impact of your words to others, instead of tearing down the character of the person who "did them wrong", focus on building them back up. Chances are they probably feel a little defeated, still might feel like they would defend the one they were dating so it's especially hard to hear someone rip them apart, and might be feeling insecure and a host of other emotions. When the tables are turned, I don't want someone's friends ripping my character to shreds.

As I have gotten older I try to look back on dating relationships as good memories and things I learned about myself, and also try to encourage my friends to do the same, when it doesn't workout for what seems like the millionth time.  That doesn't mean I am not sad or disappointed, but eventually realizing there are good things that were a part of that time spent with someone.

Nothing is wrong with me. 

Nothing is wrong with them. 

It just didn't work out. 

And, I'm still S I N G L E. 

And that is ok. 

If you're just joining in from #write31days, I'm so glad you're here!

You can {click here} to read previous posts.